Beautiful Happiness
I am a bad host

This happened this weekend…

I have two apartments in NOLA, which I bounce between, hosting guests for shirt term stays. It’s kind of like having my own bed in breakfast or something. It sounds crazier than it is, or maybe I am just used to my crazy. With that said, I am mostly very professional and on top of things. Not perfect but I am in no means a mess or a drunk (ok sometime I am but shhh not always). Last weekend I hosted a group of very needy girls.

The communication beforehand was over the top, uber annoying requests (a hair dryer, pancake mix, etc) and I just dealt with it, they checked in early without a hitch, they were left a clean apartment, linens, breakfast items, dessert, snacks, a bottle of wine, done deal. I resumed my life. Busy all day Saturday, taking my son to the airport, errands all while getting over a really bad cold (like 102 fever for two days bad). All day running around I didn’t eat, though I did buy a croissant at one point. I think the dog got it.  In the afternoon I went to a fundraiser I had to attend, and I had a few cocktails, HORRIBLE decision.

I woke up in my bed, no pants, in my home that was rented out.

Passed out in the bed, with literally no memory, I looked at this stranger and asked here “who she was and why she was in my house”. Standing over me was a very snarky guest that had no sense of humor or understanding that life happens. Rudely reminded me that she had rented my entire place and was demanding why I was there, what I was doing. I finally snapped too and was mortified. Personally I would have been a bit confused as a guest, but I would have found the humor in the mess. I also would not have been an utter bitch because all smart people know; being a cunt gets you nowhere fast.

 Seriously I would have been on the floor laughing, probably taken a selfie and blasted the fuck out of this fool on IG. Her, not so much. The guest proceeded to demand that I get the fuck out because again SHE HAD RENTED MY ENTIRE APARTMENT.

I super confused apologized to the VERY rude girl and her calm friends, vaguely explained myself and left to catch a cab to my other apartment.

Sunday morning I apologized profusely and was ignored. Later that day the leader of that group contacted me to demand a refund, chick was rather rude about a solution- threatening me with a bad review or she’ll report me? This is airbnb, nit the mafia sister. I am an independent contractor and she still stayed at the apartment. I am usually very professional and normal with all of this, but I am not perfect as I literally became the pant less broad that got threatened over a drunk incident of being on auto pilot. OOPS.

For a moment I was really worried about what was going to happen, lose money, bad review. I eventually calmed down and contacted the customer service center. Lucky me saucy made a threat and I am off the hook. I still have no idea what happened, I don’t think I drank that much. Based off our exchange Sunday evening I was confident this young lady is going to try and “ruin” me, those were her exact words. I don’t do threats., and lucky for me I came out on top. I also don’t take life that serious because I still think its really terrible, but also really really funny in a I hope that never happens again kind of way.

I learned a valuable lesson, don’t drink on an empty stomach or you will become a pant less broad that gets threatened. My struggles are never dull. 

Everything happens for a reason.

Everything happens for a reason.

Yesterday I went out on an errand with my mini, and as I left the house I grabbed a stack of cash I had laying out (yea I do that) and shoved it in my jeans pocket, with every intent of spending said money on a few items. As we walked through the neighborhood we stopped and got a snack, I peeled a twenty from my stack and slid the money back in my denim. As we wandered towards the destination of the day we saw one of our favorite street performers. We stopped, and I again pulled some cash from my pocket to drop in the bucket.

We eventually wandered through the streets to the shop in question and as I went to make my purchase I drew an empty pocket. The money was gone. I emptied all my pockets in hope I was delirious and I came up short. Fifteen dollars and some silver change was all I had left. I dropped over a hundred dollars in the street. Rather agitated I made a small purchase and we optimistically retraced our steps. I knew the money was gone. Feeling disappointed in a easily avoidable mistake I trotted down the street hoping someone who needed that money more than me found it. There is no way knowing but I hope.

As I went into my building I had a nostalgic feeling. For whatever reason I was suppose to lose that money. Not because I could afford to, because I can’t, but because I needed to learn something.

  • Stop making stupid mistakes.
  • Stop rushing.
  • Be patient.  
  • Save more, spend less.
  • Money is fluid.
  • Look for the lessons, not the disappointment.
  • Be present.

As shitty as I have been feeling, losing a chunk of change has never felt so calming.

Everything happens for a reason. Recently I have been in a really bad mood, spririling. Everything has seemed like some kind of tragic labrynth of doom. I have been unable to pull myself out of the funk. I have stopped writing. I have not been creative, the one thing that feeds me. Work has me on edge, my man friends all seem to be rubbing me the wrong way (and no one wants that) I am drifting away from friends, not really due to them or anything that has happened I am just in a fog of my own confusement. Parenting is yet the ever struggle, and as cliché as it is sleep seems to be the only solace.

The odd thing is nothing has really been wrong. Money is flowing, work is work, not perfect but I am gainfully employed and without my side everything’s it would support me. I have admirers, and I enjoy our time. I choose to keep my distance and not commit. In so many ways I am fulfilled and in control and yet I feel like a tumbleweed, without direction, without purpose. Which in reality could not be farther from the truth.

I could ramble myself in circles of my perpetual lost state but for why. I was reminded of a valuable lesson. I am not sure exactly what it is other than there is a lesson in everything, and I am oddly ok with that. Perhaps that in itself was or is the lesson. Better yet I feel ready and recharged to reclaim myself, my needs, and my direction. 

When my married friend comments that men don’t hit on her now that she has a ring on her finger

myfriendsaremarried:

and I’m like…

#dead

When my married friend tells me it’s not cute or fun to sleep with multiple guys anymore

myfriendsaremarried:

and I’m just like…

The perks of single life.

Do we get to choose what changes  us?

Do we get to choose what changes us?

I’ve been writing, just not sharing…

I’ve been writing, just not sharing…

Neglect.

My writing in a public capacity has been very neglected. My minds consumed with distant parenting, settling, love or lust, slavery, and work, the past and my future. In moments of utter overwhelming suffocation I choose to neglect what soothes me most. This is the self destruction I feed into.

Love me long time, or not.

We have all been there where we were head deep in lust/love/infatuation/delusion telling all your friends this is the real deal. Deliriously happy and then it all comes crumbling apart.

Sometimes it’s apparent why: one party cheated, maybe you just grew apart, perhaps the other half is not really whom you built them up to be, maybe y’all realize you want different things. You might have even been sold a lie, any way you hash it out its apparent to you and all you know that it’s over but where do the feelings go?

Is it that they were never real? Did you just mature? Come to your senses? What happened. There are just so many questions.

Recently I talked to someone for a really long time, we have had a history of dramatics (inspired by both parties) and my strong feelings all of a sudden just went away. It could have been that morning I saw him walking home from a night out and he just dripped of feral man. Or it might have been the fact that he started to appear in-genuine. Or maybe indeed I’m just not the boo kind.

I am not going to lie though I really thought I was in it to win it with this fellow. Turns out I wasn’t.

In hindsight I had no clue where he’s at (all the mixed messages, which should have been my first clue) and part of me could care less, yet the curious inquisitive side of me is just nosey but I won’t be hitting him up for an interview, unless its coming with complimentary Valium and a two drink voucher.

It’s weird though, all that build up. All those feelings and its just fizzled to nothing? It’s weird and I’m curious where did the love go? Then again I’m content without the headache that I know him to be.

Melted butter

Spread it around…

I’m fascinated by this spread it around mentality. The dating concept that instead of being true or loyal to one individual you deal with many, not putting all your eggs in one basket, if something goes sour you have a built in distraction. Not a lot is lost, or is it?

I can’t lie, I was and maybe am still about that life, but I am realizing it makes for very in-genuine people. How can you actually get to a solid place with anyone if your intentions are to not take a risk, or push the boundaries? What happens when one person is trying to be serious and the other is not? Who is the side piece, are their rules?

This is not a male dominated mindset but it may be a male influenced activity. Worse, it’s clearly the pattern leading modern dating.

I have recently had conversations learning friends are talking to up to twelve people of the opposite sex (how he has time for that is baffling, but I kinda have to give him props for that juggling act). The thing that all of these people have in common is perpetual single ism, and admitted loneliness. Yet we all continue on this pattern.

And we wonder why relationships/marriages don’t last. We have delusional practices as the modern single person.

Some things are easier said than done…

In an ever-evolving goal to better myself I have definitely curbed my appetite for whining, something I think was entertained far too much and a habit I all to often indulged in. Yet in the extra time I have I have noticed two other rachet habits that are starting to drive me insane. The first being my addiction to over analyzing everything and the second being my inability to communicate with people close to me.

 

It is almost funny how in my personal life I am really unable to put my heart out there or have confrontations in normal conversations, but I can write a quick and clear letter and feel a world of difference. Mostly I am able to communicate with the person afterwards, I just get so tense if I feel threatened or confronted.

 

In my head I interpret being open with my feelings or needs from an individual as problematic and anticipate things going sour really fast. I have developed a flight mentality, no fight, just run. In most cases I know that no harm will come to me, I hoe this is just a horrible habit, something with more effort I can break… because I am aware it is definitely something that I should and maybe will try to work on…