My writing in a public capacity has been very neglected. My minds consumed with distant parenting, settling, love or lust, slavery, and work, the past and my future. In moments of utter overwhelming suffocation I choose to neglect what soothes me most. This is the self destruction I feed into.
We have all been there where we were head deep in lust/love/infatuation/delusion telling all your friends this is the real deal. Deliriously happy and then it all comes crumbling apart.
Sometimes it’s apparent why: one party cheated, maybe you just grew apart, perhaps the other half is not really whom you built them up to be, maybe y’all realize you want different things. You might have even been sold a lie, any way you hash it out its apparent to you and all you know that it’s over but where do the feelings go?
Is it that they were never real? Did you just mature? Come to your senses? What happened. There are just so many questions.
Recently I talked to someone for a really long time, we have had a history of dramatics (inspired by both parties) and my strong feelings all of a sudden just went away. It could have been that morning I saw him walking home from a night out and he just dripped of feral man. Or it might have been the fact that he started to appear in-genuine. Or maybe indeed I’m just not the boo kind.
I am not going to lie though I really thought I was in it to win it with this fellow. Turns out I wasn’t.
In hindsight I had no clue where he’s at (all the mixed messages, which should have been my first clue) and part of me could care less, yet the curious inquisitive side of me is just nosey but I won’t be hitting him up for an interview, unless its coming with complimentary Valium and a two drink voucher.
It’s weird though, all that build up. All those feelings and its just fizzled to nothing? It’s weird and I’m curious where did the love go? Then again I’m content without the headache that I know him to be.
Spread it around…
I’m fascinated by this spread it around mentality. The dating concept that instead of being true or loyal to one individual you deal with many, not putting all your eggs in one basket, if something goes sour you have a built in distraction. Not a lot is lost, or is it?
I can’t lie, I was and maybe am still about that life, but I am realizing it makes for very in-genuine people. How can you actually get to a solid place with anyone if your intentions are to not take a risk, or push the boundaries? What happens when one person is trying to be serious and the other is not? Who is the side piece, are their rules?
This is not a male dominated mindset but it may be a male influenced activity. Worse, it’s clearly the pattern leading modern dating.
I have recently had conversations learning friends are talking to up to twelve people of the opposite sex (how he has time for that is baffling, but I kinda have to give him props for that juggling act). The thing that all of these people have in common is perpetual single ism, and admitted loneliness. Yet we all continue on this pattern.
And we wonder why relationships/marriages don’t last. We have delusional practices as the modern single person.
In an ever-evolving goal to better myself I have definitely curbed my appetite for whining, something I think was entertained far too much and a habit I all to often indulged in. Yet in the extra time I have I have noticed two other rachet habits that are starting to drive me insane. The first being my addiction to over analyzing everything and the second being my inability to communicate with people close to me.
It is almost funny how in my personal life I am really unable to put my heart out there or have confrontations in normal conversations, but I can write a quick and clear letter and feel a world of difference. Mostly I am able to communicate with the person afterwards, I just get so tense if I feel threatened or confronted.
In my head I interpret being open with my feelings or needs from an individual as problematic and anticipate things going sour really fast. I have developed a flight mentality, no fight, just run. In most cases I know that no harm will come to me, I hoe this is just a horrible habit, something with more effort I can break… because I am aware it is definitely something that I should and maybe will try to work on…
Gone are the days of courting, interacting with people in the hopes or goals of marriage. Now days dating is complicated, the goals vary, and there are no modern rules. There is no guidebook, there is not even a standard way of operating so essentially we are all doing our own thing and hoping that it works out in our favor.
A common trend right now seems to be the “situationship” or existing in a grey space. This is a place where you are more than friends and less than a commitment. It has becoming a common thing to hook up with someone, spend lots of time with them, essentially become invested emotionally and yet never label the interaction. Is this a self-protecting mechanism? Truly if you are never in a commitment you cannot break up. Some how the non-commitment makes you less obligated to the other individual, or is that just a lie we tell ourselves to justify satisfying our own needs?
This ambiguous relationship seems to be a great way to get to know someone but after a while it becomes the elephant the room and will lead to excessive drama. The lack of rules and expectations seems to be a way to fast track someone getting hurt sooner than if everyone is playing with the same deck of cards.
Yes labels seem to change things, some even say that they put an expiration date on a relationship, but the truth is we have and use labels all day in just about everything we do. More importantly why does a label have to change anything more than making it so that both parties are on the same page, maybe even be the segway into discussing the individuals goals, wants, desires, and expectations out of a relationship with their person.
In that discussion you might be surprised, maybe the wants are not unrealistic. Maybe that title is just a security blanket so that the efforts are not in vain. Yes you cancel out talking to many people but maybe you will actually gain so much more in a relationship.
I am moving in a few weeks and I am sooo fucking excited, a little anxious but mostly dripping with joy. I am not leaving exactly how I wanted things to be, mostly in terms of school, at first I was very disappointed in myself and just life but then I had an ureka and dont want the cycle to restart as it has so many times. Its not surprising that at the last minuet I yet again choke with grades, I am convinced that this is not just a pattern, but a fear. Its rooted deep and I am not figuring it out here, in fact the more I try and figure it out the worse it gets.
This choke up has been so hurtful and destructive, not just to me but to others, including you. I am sorry for that, I wish you would see or understand how that feels for me. Worst to compound on that I am finally to a place where I am not only confident and happy to stop being influenced by you and everyone else. I am listing to me and only me. I am just going to jump into the dark without a seatbelt helmet or parachute. It scare you, but for the first time I am not scared, just anxious how it will feel to land. I am excited, I wish you could be too.
Thanks! You too!!!
As a semi young person I have had the privilege of reliving my bad decisions often publicly due to the wonderful world of technology aka facebook. Often these bad decisions are made post serious drinking, and by serious that may just have been me forgetting to eat dinner and having three or four drinks over the course of a five hour evening. At times I am a light weight, though there have been the times when I have drank like a 6”2” 195lb+ man and held my own, but that’s rare and probably only a success in my head.
Like many people I have had some epic drunk adventures. One of my most notable would be the time I forgot where I lived and the people I was with (who clearly were too dumb to look at my ID) knocked on my neighbors’ doors trying to figure out where I lived. I am so relieved I have no memory of that.
Getting black out drunk is embarrassing. Once my mother caught wind of my drinking, I had to seriously spend energy convincing her I was:
a) not an alcoholic
b) not a binge drinker on purpose
c) that I was/am responsible
No part of her seemed to understand the culture of drinking, that often when one is drinking so many factors play into the outcome of the night. From eating dinner, to knowing what kinds of booze you can handle and not mixing things incorrectly, to knowing your limit, and lastly taking precautions throughout the drinking experience (drinking water, snacking, pacing ones self).
What surprises me the most about drinking is how people feed off of one another and try to keep up when that’s not realistic. I know for myself I will often try to keep up with people who have a lot more body mass (in height and/or width) and then when I tragically fail I am confused. But part of the problem is not just keeping track, but its mixed drinks ( a mixed drink might actually have 2-4 shots rather than the standard one). I hate those and that drinking standards vary in different regions, like in Louisiana a standard drink (ex: Jamison soda) is a double aka two shots. Where in my hometown you would have to be specific about wanting a double or two shot drink and then the cost would be more. This reality bit me in the face one hilarious birthday.
The moral of the story is the importance of educating once self, and taking the proper precautions, ie: eat a burger to sop up the booze.My advice to you as it becomes holiday season aka prime drinking time, pace yourself. Maybe it’s time I detox…
I started taking film photography when I was 16, but it wasn’t until later in college that it became my primary creative outlet. While in engineering school I had little time to create traditional artwork, and photography became a way to fill that void in my life. It allowed me to quickly articulate and document visual moments I found interesting. Photography also eventually helped motivate me to get another degree in Studio Arts. I now tread the line between science and art, letting my knowledge of one inform the other.
The images I take are the honest and spontaneous documentation of my experiences. Analog processes enchant me, and almost all my work is exclusively shot in 35mm with an SLR or rangefinder. I also play with Polaroids, Holgas, home-made pinholes, and disposable cameras.
I love this photograph. Love